It has been nearly a month since the commencement of the semester, and despite it being an unusually prolonged winter, there is no hot water running in the hostels. It was around 13 degrees celsius at 8:00 AM today, and the water felt a lot colder. Being a prestigious University that provides the best infrastructure and the best of facilities, we are convinced that this is not by accident, but rather by very well intentioned design. It is obvious that all they want is for the students to benefit from cold showers, which will not only make us healthier, but would also increase our focus and intelligence, and ultimately result in us winning all of the Moot Court Competitions all over the world. It is with much pride that we report that our University is in this respect no way constrained by patriarchal norms and has had the program implemented at both the Girls’ Hostel as well as the Boys’.
It is not surprising that this program has already been yielding results. The ‘Cold Showers Only’ program was implemented right at the start of the winters back in November. One boy from the second year who prefers to remain anonymous has told us that the cold showers have helped him with his habit of polishing china and now he has been able to fully focus on his studies.
Palak from the fourth year is very pleased with the program. “At first, I was hesitant to take cold water showers in the morning, but with no alternate choice I had to give in. But I am really glad I did, because it has done wonders to my hair! I only wish they did not tempt me with warm water sometimes in the afternoons.” Our reports indicate that there are indeed some moments in the day where you may be treated to bursts of lukewarm water, mostly in the afternoon. There are also reports of steaming hot water at 3:00 AM and many students are worried that this is deliberate manipulation to force them off the Cold Showers Only program. The devout Christians in college have been warning all the students that the devil acts in mysterious ways and have been repeatedly speaking of apples and snakes. The authorities suspect that the hot water has made them delirious, and they are fast at work to remove this anomaly.
The Hostel Welfare Committee have been in constant touch with the authorities trying to comprehend the logistics of this program.
We therefore urge you to learn the benefits of cold water showers.