Who’s GOAT? Let the Greatest Of All Tournaments Begin!


So who is the Greatest Of All Time (GOAT)? Trolls and clever news programmers have cashed in on this question to divide us and make us doubt our loyalties. It is time to put the shovel in the garage and wash your hands and move on. We need closure to move on with our lives and become things. So here it is. For once and for all. A tournament designed to eliminate the weak and the slow, to sift the magician from the imitator, to bring us the champion made of stories and legends. Adi. P and I bring to you – The Greatest Of All Tournaments!

Here’s the draw:

Roger Federer Richard Gasquet
Ivan Lendl Pat Cash
Steffi Graf Monica Seles
Martina Navratilova Sania Mirza
Pete Sampras Vijay Amritraj
Juan Martin Del Potro Novak Djokovic
Rafael Nadal Stanislas Wawrinka
Boris Becker Andy Roddick
Serena Williams Maria Sharapova
Andre Agassi Jo-Wilfred Tsonga
Gael Monfils Li Na
Bjorn Borg Andy Murray
Isner Mahut

Round 1

Game 1

Federer v Gasquet (6-3, 6-3, 6-3)

Post-match, the Maestro was spotted giving Gasquet tips to improve his single hand backhand as well as his French.

Game 2

Ivan Lendl v Pat Cash (6-4, 7-6(6), 7-6(5))

Cash has the one thing Lendl doesn’t – a Wimbledon title. In a rematch of the 1987 Centre Court final, Lendl makes no mistake in using his famous running forehand to match-winning effect. After winning, Lendl even tries to mock Cash by climbing into the player’s box and celebrating with his family and friends. But Cash is unfazed. He still has the one thing Lendl doesn’t – the title of Sexiest Grandfather of the Year.

Game 3

Monica Seles v Steffi Graf (6-4, 4-3)

Graf’s repeated forehand stabs weren’t yielding any success but a psycho fan’s single stab did. Too bad Seles, try signing more autographs next time. We aren’t just jobless attention-seekers you know.

Game 4

Isner v. Mahut

Bright Sunny day and absence of wind make the perfect conditions for a snappy short game (:

Game 5

Navratilova v. Sania Mirza (6-2, 6-2)

The ace shuttler from Hyderabad is no match for the versatility and grit that Martina brings to the court. Neither is her badminton racket. Wait what?

Game 5

Djokovic  v. Del Potro (6-4, 4-6, 7-5, 4-6, 7-5)

Two of the biggest hitters in the game and the match became a dialogue of groundstrokes. Fitness is key. And the Djoker unlocks success.

Game 6

Pete Sampras  v. Vijay Amritraj (Abandoned)

In the History of ATP, the first mid-night match was played between two greats. Match officials and ball-midgets were visibly excited and Sampras was looking to show Amritraj who was boss. Unfortunately, the match was abandoned after a 2 hour wait and Sampras was declared winner as Amritraj simply couldn’t be spotted anywhere inside the stadium. Some 9gagers however allege that Amritraj was present all along and just couldn’t be seen due to poor lighting. An amateur video footage recording an eerily familiar voice moaning “Alan! Help me, Alan!” below the commentary box does lend credence to this story.

Game 7

Rafa v. Stanimal (6-3, 6-2, 3-6, 6-3)

It’s payback time. And revenge is sweet.

Game 8

Isner v. Mahut

Both players are extremely fit and it is a pity the same cannot be said about the audience :/

Game 9

Boom Boom Becker v. Roddick (6-0, 0-6, 6-0, 0-6, 6-0)

Two serving greats. Becker wins purely because he won the toss and served first.

Game 9

Serena v. Sharapova (7-5, 7-5)

In this high pitch clash, Serena made history in professional tennis by finishing a match without making a single unforced error, or for that matter, any error at all. There was this one moment where a lineswoman seemed anxious enough to call out Serena for serving from the net but one look from the winner of 32 majors dispelled any such bravado. At the post-match conference, Sharapova said she would have to seek inspiration from Russia’s President to stay competitive against such ingenious method of play. She left for Kremlin after the match.

Game 10

Agassi v. Tsonga (7-6 (8), 1-3)

In a fit of passion, Tsonga does his tribal victory dance mid-match after serving an ace. The event organizers are dismayed by such inappropriateness and hand the win to Agassi. Who still hates Tennis. How bloody unfair.

Game 11

Monfils v. Li Na (Politics bigger than The Game)

Various undertones are explored in this match. Anti-discriminationists think Monfils should win.  Female anti-discriminationists think Li Na should win.  Discriminationists think ‘anti-discriminationist’ is not a real word. Anti guys feel the same about discriminationists. As always scholars will be scholars. But due to China’s human rights record, everybody agrees that Li Na should be given a ban. Monfils wins!

Game 12

Bjorn v. Murray (6-2, 6-1, 6-0)

Murray’s Mother is proud along with half of Scotland at such abject subjugation but it’s simply a case of the Swede seeing more benefit in spot fixing and quick cash to pay his rent.

Game 13

Isner v. Mahut

Still great fucking weather! No fucking wind! No fucking win! Both Fucking Disqualified! XD

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of Round 1.

If you think we’ve missed out on a player you’d like to see featured in the tournament, if you want to see someone who can’t volley to save his life get utterly humiliated, and yet somehow win the match; And if YOU have something hilarious to share Please comment, email, sms, or wait for us in the bathroom during exams.

Watch this space for Round 2 of the GREATEST OF ALL TOURNAMENTS!

(The image has been used under the Creative Commons License from the flickr user E01 and may be found here.


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